grumpy me

I think i figured out why the old people are grumpy.., it have always puzzled me, until lately.. i became grumpy. Couldn't say i saw this coming, haha.. The old people are grumpy, because they are lonely, they are miserable.  And now i feel you, grumpy old men, you are probably good men that have good heart, just defeated by this thing called life. And i feel you, you are probably once a cheerful lad, couldn't stop goofing around, life loving and always curious. And i do feel you, old man, you are now struggling to feel anything, struggling to get excited to just about anything.

Oo.. it sucks to get old, haiz..  I am sorry if i'm ever grumpy to you, i really didn't mean to.

here goes it..

so i guess this is what it takes, a sleepless night. I've always been wondering what would have bring me back here again one day, a typical cali summer night it seems, yet, untypically stirred one.

been reading some of the old post before this, good to know that my old self could still entertain this new self, haha.. why did i stop? Don't know, laziness is probably the single biggest culprit. Ever wonder why in the movie "Seven" the drug junkie representing the sin "Sloth" endured the worst, longest torturing? Cause its the origin of all sins, Sloth.  The same single culprit of reason explains where i am right now too.. somewhat lost. Or am I? I guess that's why i need to come back here again, where my thoughts seems to settle down and line up in a straight line, where i can see my thoughts clearer. Strange it might sound, but i do feel like what Vanessa once comment on a past entry,"it helps us see better and heal better". I am not sure i am in need of any healing, well at least not spiritually (my knee on the other hand, kinda hurt a little after ballin' last night, aging n bball doesn't bode well. sigh..) In this new internet era, when everyone else is microbloggin', i can't help but to think won't that be more like attention-whoring and well, communicating and connecting ppl rather than actually, web logging? 140 words? Really? Its a great thing for celebrities. Normal earthlings like me probably won't need such tool to update my "followers". I write for attention too, like i am gonna lie about it, haha.. but that wouldn't be enough, well, i can't really say that i have to scratch that writer's itch either.. what kind of itch can be ignored for 2 years and almost 3 months, haha.. okay, lets just say i love attention and i'd rather do it with some passion, and 140 words just couldn't contain that. Okay maybe i just don't have the flair to do it that short, anyways, bloggin's still my thang.

my eye lids are getting heavier by the seconds.. this is still fun tho.. although i haven't technically wrote anything yet. LOL I need to crash, in about 5 hrs later, i am gonna sooo regret all this. Shit..

Left out in the cold

I came crawling back.. Like a hurt wolf, to the hideout safest to its knowledge, licking its wound; like a banged up boxer who hit a wall in his career, stepping into the ring he fought his first ever fight, alone at night in search of some kind of inspiration.. I came crawling back, to here, to my sanctuary.

It’s no doubt the darkest time of my life.  I need everything I can grasp, every bit of energy I can gather, every positive thoughts I can mustered, every inspiration I can rainbow (I just invented this verb, blow me).. Who’d have thought, not me, I really didn’t see this coming.  I look at all the decisions I’ve made that brought me to this point of my life.. What more could I have done? I know, be better prepared, more alert, and make better plans.. well, at least make plans.. What a wakeup call.   

I guess at this point, if I were to be a pessimist as which is in my nature... I would look at it and say it’s all too late, I am not young anymore, and it’s not realistic for any major career maneuver, there won’t be a finish line by the time I got there.. It’d be vanished.   

Or if I were to be an optimistic, by nurture, as I’ve always pushed myself to be.  I would need to pull myself together and get myself a brand new direction.  I’d have to look at the positive, the silver lining as they say: I’m healthy, I have EIT now, I’m multilingual, my English is fluent, I look great wearing a suit (ok, I needed to exaggerate a bit, as an optimistic)  and I have a car that runs.  I might still make it, to the finish line… to the cheese that’s being moved.

It’s hard just trying not to feel depressed.  Depression, negative thoughts are like vultures, it prowls at me, lurks at me at all time.. each time I let my guard down, they take a bite at me like dark shadow cast over lightpole under the moonlight.   

But tonight, it’s different; I am in a safe place.  Or is it the lack of necessary feeling of fear and anxiety that have got me here at the first place?  

“ I never worry about action, but only inaction. ” ~ Winston Churchill

This will be the last line (well, except I’ll have to write this line to say it..duh) as I’ll leave my cathedral, and go back to the battelfield.

reason

reason:

1.	a basis or cause, as for some belief, action, fact, event, etc.: the reason for declaring war.

2.	a statement presented in justification or explanation of a belief or action.

3.	the mental powers concerned with forming conclusions, judgments, or inferences.

4.	sound judgment; good sense.

5.	normal or sound powers of mind; sanity.

6.	Logic. a premise of an argument.

so logically speaking, everything we do should have a reason, because it is a "justification or explanation of a belief or action. "

But lately, i come to realize many things i do, was not provided with one.. I've always like to use excuses, like i have no time, i can't blog.. i am not tall, i can't be a pro-athelete.. i am not rich enough, that's why i don't have a girlfriend. But reasoning.. i lack.

Like why did i pick up engineering as my major in college?  I don't think i've done enough reasoning, or logical thinking to come up with that choice.  I think the best i can come up with is, cause i used to think engineers are cool.. they make the world a better place by solving technical problems. (at least that's what i thought back when i was kid)   But i guess if i've done a better job on the "reasoning" process.. i'd have consider much more other more important elements like my personal traits, is it something i like etc.  The consequences of not doing good "reasoning" before an action could be severe, unnecessary to elaborate here.. but allow me to amuse you with this little nightmare i recently recovered from ( more like recovering from)..

There will only be questions, because the answer would be the reasons, and like i said.. i lack.

Why do i have to move out from where i used to live?

Why do i moved in with a roommate i don't know?

Why do i never lock my room door?

Why i do i have to help keep other's luggage just cause someone ask me to?

I end up having no real place to sleep, lost my friend's precious belongings, lost my friend's trust, lost some of my own precious belongings.

I deserved all this crap, i should have known better..

..than listening to that beautiful but ridiculous line Jude Law spit out in the movie " My Blueberry Night"

" sometimes its not that you don't search hard enough.. sometimes the reason is just not there".. " like the blueberry pie..by the end of the night, the apple pie would always be completely gone, there would be a little bit of the pineapple pie.. but there'd always be a whole piece of blueberry pie.. untouched".. " why? there is nothing wrong with the blueberry pie.. its delicious.. just nobody wants it"

P/S: Thank you ven ven, i've been meaning to get back into blogging.. thanks for the final kick.

Christmas my ass.