Left out in the cold

I came crawling back.. Like a hurt wolf, to the hideout safest to its knowledge, licking its wound; like a banged up boxer who hit a wall in his career, stepping into the ring he fought his first ever fight, alone at night in search of some kind of inspiration.. I came crawling back, to here, to my sanctuary.

It’s no doubt the darkest time of my life.  I need everything I can grasp, every bit of energy I can gather, every positive thoughts I can mustered, every inspiration I can rainbow (I just invented this verb, blow me).. Who’d have thought, not me, I really didn’t see this coming.  I look at all the decisions I’ve made that brought me to this point of my life.. What more could I have done? I know, be better prepared, more alert, and make better plans.. well, at least make plans.. What a wakeup call.   

I guess at this point, if I were to be a pessimist as which is in my nature... I would look at it and say it’s all too late, I am not young anymore, and it’s not realistic for any major career maneuver, there won’t be a finish line by the time I got there.. It’d be vanished.   

Or if I were to be an optimistic, by nurture, as I’ve always pushed myself to be.  I would need to pull myself together and get myself a brand new direction.  I’d have to look at the positive, the silver lining as they say: I’m healthy, I have EIT now, I’m multilingual, my English is fluent, I look great wearing a suit (ok, I needed to exaggerate a bit, as an optimistic)  and I have a car that runs.  I might still make it, to the finish line… to the cheese that’s being moved.

It’s hard just trying not to feel depressed.  Depression, negative thoughts are like vultures, it prowls at me, lurks at me at all time.. each time I let my guard down, they take a bite at me like dark shadow cast over lightpole under the moonlight.   

But tonight, it’s different; I am in a safe place.  Or is it the lack of necessary feeling of fear and anxiety that have got me here at the first place?  

“ I never worry about action, but only inaction. ” ~ Winston Churchill

This will be the last line (well, except I’ll have to write this line to say it..duh) as I’ll leave my cathedral, and go back to the battelfield.

reason

reason:

1.	a basis or cause, as for some belief, action, fact, event, etc.: the reason for declaring war.

2.	a statement presented in justification or explanation of a belief or action.

3.	the mental powers concerned with forming conclusions, judgments, or inferences.

4.	sound judgment; good sense.

5.	normal or sound powers of mind; sanity.

6.	Logic. a premise of an argument.

so logically speaking, everything we do should have a reason, because it is a "justification or explanation of a belief or action. "

But lately, i come to realize many things i do, was not provided with one.. I've always like to use excuses, like i have no time, i can't blog.. i am not tall, i can't be a pro-athelete.. i am not rich enough, that's why i don't have a girlfriend. But reasoning.. i lack.

Like why did i pick up engineering as my major in college?  I don't think i've done enough reasoning, or logical thinking to come up with that choice.  I think the best i can come up with is, cause i used to think engineers are cool.. they make the world a better place by solving technical problems. (at least that's what i thought back when i was kid)   But i guess if i've done a better job on the "reasoning" process.. i'd have consider much more other more important elements like my personal traits, is it something i like etc.  The consequences of not doing good "reasoning" before an action could be severe, unnecessary to elaborate here.. but allow me to amuse you with this little nightmare i recently recovered from ( more like recovering from)..

There will only be questions, because the answer would be the reasons, and like i said.. i lack.

Why do i have to move out from where i used to live?

Why do i moved in with a roommate i don't know?

Why do i never lock my room door?

Why i do i have to help keep other's luggage just cause someone ask me to?

I end up having no real place to sleep, lost my friend's precious belongings, lost my friend's trust, lost some of my own precious belongings.

I deserved all this crap, i should have known better..

..than listening to that beautiful but ridiculous line Jude Law spit out in the movie " My Blueberry Night"

" sometimes its not that you don't search hard enough.. sometimes the reason is just not there".. " like the blueberry pie..by the end of the night, the apple pie would always be completely gone, there would be a little bit of the pineapple pie.. but there'd always be a whole piece of blueberry pie.. untouched".. " why? there is nothing wrong with the blueberry pie.. its delicious.. just nobody wants it"

P/S: Thank you ven ven, i've been meaning to get back into blogging.. thanks for the final kick.

Christmas my ass.

No excuse

confession of a raver

Close my eyes and mesmerize;

Memories flashes, time flies.

Dances, dances and I dance

On the alley between Joy and Hollow.

In search of the very first ray of the sunrise.

So,

let the music free your soul;
fill the emptiness within inside.
leave your body to the flow;
n' let the lights rule the night.

Awaken, I’ve never felt so alive.

Intake life, every time I breath

Yet, I sunk,

Plunged.

Into the deepest abyss of darkness,

And you are the only light I see.

So,

Let the rhythm carry your sorrow,

Shake off all the burden and mourn

Open your heart and follow the sign

n’ let the lights steal the night.

Maybe we will be in love in another life

Maybe it’s just the smoke in my eyes

This is where everything lie

Six feet under in between these lines.

May you rest in peace,

My fire of desire..

This is where I bid my solemn bye bye.

So,

Let the strings set the fire.

Let the lights take over the night.

~ Shin