| | I came crawling back.. Like a hurt wolf, to the hideout safest to its knowledge, licking its wound; like a banged up boxer who hit a wall in his career, stepping into the ring he fought his first ever fight, alone at night in search of some kind of inspiration.. I came crawling back, to here, to my sanctuary. It’s no doubt the darkest time of my life. I need everything I can grasp, every bit of energy I can gather, every positive thoughts I can mustered, every inspiration I can rainbow (I just invented this verb, blow me).. Who’d have thought, not me, I really didn’t see this coming. I look at all the decisions I’ve made that brought me to this point of my life.. What more could I have done? I know, be better prepared, more alert, and make better plans.. well, at least make plans.. What a wakeup call. I guess at this point, if I were to be a pessimist as which is in my nature... I would look at it and say it’s all too late, I am not young anymore, and it’s not realistic for any major career maneuver, there won’t be a finish line by the time I got there.. It’d be vanished. Or if I were to be an optimistic, by nurture, as I’ve always pushed myself to be. I would need to pull myself together and get myself a brand new direction. I’d have to look at the positive, the silver lining as they say: I’m healthy, I have EIT now, I’m multilingual, my English is fluent, I look great wearing a suit (ok, I needed to exaggerate a bit, as an optimistic) and I have a car that runs. I might still make it, to the finish line… to the cheese that’s being moved. It’s hard just trying not to feel depressed. Depression, negative thoughts are like vultures, it prowls at me, lurks at me at all time.. each time I let my guard down, they take a bite at me like dark shadow cast over lightpole under the moonlight. But tonight, it’s different; I am in a safe place. Or is it the lack of necessary feeling of fear and anxiety that have got me here at the first place? “ I never worry about action, but only inaction. ” ~ Winston Churchill This will be the last line (well, except I’ll have to write this line to say it..duh) as I’ll leave my cathedral, and go back to the battelfield. |
