S2theEven's Xanga

Left out in the cold

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 17:41:21 GMT

I came crawling back.. Like a hurt wolf, to the hideout safest to its knowledge, licking its wound; like a banged up boxer who hit a wall in his career, stepping into the ring he fought his first ever fight, alone at night in search of some kind of inspiration.. I came crawling back, to here, to my sanctuary.

It’s no doubt the darkest time of my life. I need everything I can grasp, every bit of energy I can gather, every positive thoughts I can mustered, every inspiration I can rainbow (I just invented this verb, blow me).. Who’d have thought, not me, I really didn’t see this coming. I look at all the decisions I’ve made that brought me to this point of my life.. What more could I have done? I know, be better prepared, more alert, and make better plans.. well, at least make plans.. What a wakeup call.

I guess at this point, if I were to be a pessimist as which is in my nature... I would look at it and say it’s all too late, I am not young anymore, and it’s not realistic for any major career maneuver, there won’t be a finish line by the time I got there.. It’d be vanished.

Or if I were to be an optimistic, by nurture, as I’ve always pushed myself to be. I would need to pull myself together and get myself a brand new direction. I’d have to look at the positive, the silver lining as they say: I’m healthy, I have EIT now, I’m multilingual, my English is fluent, I look great wearing a suit (ok, I needed to exaggerate a bit, as an optimistic) and I have a car that runs. I might still make it, to the finish line… to the cheese that’s being moved.

It’s hard just trying not to feel depressed. Depression, negative thoughts are like vultures, it prowls at me, lurks at me at all time.. each time I let my guard down, they take a bite at me like dark shadow cast over lightpole under the moonlight.

But tonight, it’s different; I am in a safe place. Or is it the lack of necessary feeling of fear and anxiety that have got me here at the first place?

“ I never worry about action, but only inaction. ” ~ Winston Churchill

This will be the last line (well, except I’ll have to write this line to say it..duh) as I’ll leave my cathedral, and go back to the battelfield.

reason

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 18:06:52 GMT

reason:

1.	a basis or cause, as for some belief, action, fact, event, etc.: the reason for declaring war.

2.	a statement presented in justification or explanation of a belief or action.

3.	the mental powers concerned with forming conclusions, judgments, or inferences.

4.	sound judgment; good sense.

5.	normal or sound powers of mind; sanity.

6.	Logic. a premise of an argument.

so logically speaking, everything we do should have a reason, because it is a "justification or explanation of a belief or action. "

But lately, i come to realize many things i do, was not provided with one.. I've always like to use excuses, like i have no time, i can't blog.. i am not tall, i can't be a pro-athelete.. i am not rich enough, that's why i don't have a girlfriend. But reasoning.. i lack.

Like why did i pick up engineering as my major in college? I don't think i've done enough reasoning, or logical thinking to come up with that choice. I think the best i can come up with is, cause i used to think engineers are cool.. they make the world a better place by solving technical problems. (at least that's what i thought back when i was kid) But i guess if i've done a better job on the "reasoning" process.. i'd have consider much more other more important elements like my personal traits, is it something i like etc. The consequences of not doing good "reasoning" before an action could be severe, unnecessary to elaborate here.. but allow me to amuse you with this little nightmare i recently recovered from ( more like recovering from)..

There will only be questions, because the answer would be the reasons, and like i said.. i lack.

Why do i have to move out from where i used to live?

Why do i moved in with a roommate i don't know?

Why do i never lock my room door?

Why i do i have to help keep other's luggage just cause someone ask me to?

I end up having no real place to sleep, lost my friend's precious belongings, lost my friend's trust, lost some of my own precious belongings.

I deserved all this crap, i should have known better..

..than listening to that beautiful but ridiculous line Jude Law spit out in the movie " My Blueberry Night"

" sometimes its not that you don't search hard enough.. sometimes the reason is just not there".. " like the blueberry pie..by the end of the night, the apple pie would always be completely gone, there would be a little bit of the pineapple pie.. but there'd always be a whole piece of blueberry pie.. untouched".. " why? there is nothing wrong with the blueberry pie.. its delicious.. just nobody wants it"

P/S: Thank you ven ven, i've been meaning to get back into blogging.. thanks for the final kick.

Christmas my ass.

Sun, 30 Dec 2007 20:19:49 GMT

The first thing that comes into my head is, “ I’m quitting.” I was panic, my vision is blurry, I don’t know where I am looking at, I don’t know where I should stand. But there is this dread thought spinning in my head: “if I really couldn’t find it, I have to quit.”

Days after the tragic incident, I am still shaken, still dreaming of my snowboard, still thinking about the nice curve, the beautiful white bottom, the handsome orange writings and the very cool flow binding that has everyone talking about.

But I am thinking again, about the quitting part.

I wanted to quit for several obvious reasons and some not so. Obviously, you can’t shred, carve the beautiful powder without a snowboard. I can’t afford a new one, its way beyond budget to get another hottie like mine. I can’t go back to rental, all boarders would probably understand this part. It’s like you used to own a tricked-up EVO VIII and race at the track, now you wreck your baby, and you have to rent an Accord to get on the race track?? Would you do it?

I am in so much pain, I have to envy everyone in the slopes.. I hate everyone holding their own board.. like a 8 year kid without a bike, looking at all the kids riding their new bikes, like a 29 year old single male, going out to Santa Monica beach on Valentine’s night.. I have to hate and that’s not me.. I would look at every board, as long as it’s black, and i can't help it.

Well, that’s the early aftermaths.. when the feeling settles.. and I’m coming to senses, as a very logical person, (at least i think so) I wanted to be reason this out. Does losing a board justify me abandon my passion for the slopes?

Like everyone else, I’ve fallen countless times, I was yelled at numerous times at the slope, I was sprayed at countless times mostly by Marv..hmm…stand corrected, only by Marvin. I have countless bruises everywhere on my body.. and just as I’m about starting to shred, carve and really enjoying this sport, i have to quit?

So i figured, if i ever want to shred again, i need a plan. And i came up with a no-brainer: i will stop going for a couple of months.. so i can save up a little, and get me a board, hopefully just as nice or maybe the same GNU. I guess my crew just have to do without me for this season.. even if i return some time mid-february, i will be so slow comparing to them, no one wanna ride with me. (Its already the case right now) so i guess no time to catch up, but at least we can hang at lunch time. (so sad..)

well.. at least i can look forward to NewYear Eve massive with my Favert DJ blowing the brains out of all of us.. yo~
Happy New Year everyone!

No excuse

Sun, 16 Dec 2007 12:39:59 GMT

No, i am not gonna start with all that lame excuses... no time, fatigue,tied up with life itself.. blah blah.. yea, i had been always good with excuses, blame others with my own fault, but this time, i wanna change that.. no more excuses, no entry for the past 11 weeks? I can't really come up with a good reason for that because all i'd have, is excuses..

this is feeling weird already, i've so much to blog about.. oh my, oh my.. this past months.. sooo many things happened, so many things didn't happen.. Where do i start? i guess what ever comes into my mind..

let's see..

Let's see..

Let's see...

oh my.. lets just drop all the irritating, mind-consuming decisions i have to make.. which is all up in my head now..
Let's for once in a long long time, in s2theeven's xanga, talk about.... Happy stuff? lolz..

SNowboarding re-enters my life.. okay, it never entered before this, yeah, to be honest, i didn't "let" snowboarding "in" at all, last season.. there is only for another reason, i'd have to hit the slope.. its a reason, not an excuse.. its a beautiful reason yet not the right one.

So this time, i think i've got it right, i wanna snowboard, because.. i wanna shred, carve, slide, fly on the white white powder.. just because.

damn it.. i wanna avoid leaving this here, but all these decisions occupying my whole mind right now. I guess, its really time for lil Stevie boy to grow up now.. can't just stay like a kid forever, and according to that "Weather man" movie i quoted in my previous entry long time ago.. "Easy never enters an adult's life" such a heavy notion.. but i really agreeing more and more, to be an adult, u need to do the right thing.. and more than often, the right thing is the hard thing.

so i guess i need to do a lot of hard things from now on, comparing to giving excuses, always looking for the easy way out.. i think this is a transitional period, of me.. throwing away my Peter Pan's custome and walk down the stairs, instead of sliding down the stair-rail.. and walk, with a very straight back... out of the door and do the right, and hard things.

huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...

haaaaaaaaah..

yes.

confession of a raver

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 19:18:53 GMT

Close my eyes and mesmerize;

Memories flashes, time flies.

Dances, dances and I dance

On the alley between Joy and Hollow.

In search of the very first ray of the sunrise.

So,

let the music free your soul;
fill the emptiness within inside.
leave your body to the flow;
n' let the lights rule the night.

Awaken, I’ve never felt so alive.

Intake life, every time I breath

Yet, I sunk,

Plunged.

Into the deepest abyss of darkness,

And you are the only light I see.

So,

Let the rhythm carry your sorrow,

Shake off all the burden and mourn

Open your heart and follow the sign

n’ let the lights steal the night.

Maybe we will be in love in another life

Maybe it’s just the smoke in my eyes

This is where everything lie

Six feet under in between these lines.

May you rest in peace,

My fire of desire..

This is where I bid my solemn bye bye.

So,

Let the strings set the fire.

Let the lights take over the night.

~ Shin

back.

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 05:30:24 GMT

Its been so long. I forgot how this feels like.

I am so living in my real life, i am dying here.

So, here i am. ResurreCted... sort of.

Too much going, man.. dun know where to start. jeez..

For those who missed me, i am so damn sorry. I wish i am like Kenny or Wendy, can always find time to blog.. maybe i just not trying hard enough.

For those who never missed me, check this out, you might fall in love with me from now on, what cha gonna lose?

so what is in a dance?
More importantly, what's in a dance, that you can relate to life, in general?
(shit.. he is going there again..)
yeah, more philosophical bs, thats why you love me right?

dance is very much like Life.
u trying to "think", when you dance.. so you would look good.
But i was told, the right sequence, is.. dance first, think later..
you dance, you body took over the mind, cause it moves faster, it somehow dislocate from your "brain" and all of sudden, was "powered" and "driven" by the music. It took over, and you dance, you dance...you dance somemore.. till.. there is nothing else, but.. the Dance.

In life, you plan. so you don't end up sleeping under the bridge, you plan, so you can retired by 45. But when life (music) comes to you, you were hit. And somehow, "dislocated" with your plan (thoughts -> brain)like you wanted to graduate before 22, but end up graduating when you are 25, you wanna go to grad school, but you couldn't pass the GMAT, you wanna get married before 30, but you broke up with your bf right before the wedding. You are then, left living (dancing) in a life, not "planned", but led by the circumstances (music).. and you will NEVER enjoy your life.. just like you will never enjoy dancing.. until you are completely, let go.. and in SYNC, with the music.

full of shit?
maybe.

Brother lives in Shanghai now, just touched down.. i so remembered the day he joked with dad, years ago.. when dad said we should all one day moved into China and live there.. Niann goes :" you kidding me?!!! hahaha! ppl swimming away from China daily and we swimming back in?" and yesterday, we just "swimmed" back in.. for a better paid job, higher living standard.. it felt like, last week... those words he said. I wish you nothing but the best, bro. You will do well, i know.

summer's almost done. And it rains the other day, it has never rain, since you left... and it rains.. but like this city, we don't need the rain anymore.. we have irrigation system.

good to be back.

The wind beneath my hair

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 06:03:38 GMT

Okay, need to get a grip already, its about time. My life had hit a wall lately so i didn't want to add anything here because i know it will be dark and negative anywayz. But here i am.

The last time i felt like this was way back in the Y2K, (its 7 years into this millenium already, can you believe that?) when my first relationship tumble, my life falls apart.. it was as if i fell into a dark dark hole, pitch black, with not a bit of a light. I was merely a dead body walking around, soul-less. I am numb, nothing excites me, nothing can me feel either good or bad. And it lasted two years.. that was, easily the lowest point of my life thus far.. i indulged myself in a pool of self-pity, just couldn't held my head up again, i hate myself, i hate the world; i blamed myself, i blamed the world. And looking back, it was those people who love me that suffers. Really. Me, i was just numb.

Okay, this time around, it was different, i was miserable, but not dreadful. Painful, but not numb. Hurt, but not giving up faith. Defeated, but will never stop fighting. Every war has its casualty, so i take the blows, life goes on. Life's too short to stay depressed, so i had my self-pity, enough of walking head-down, i packed all my shitty feelings, all my painful awakening, all my self-doubt, all the sweetness-turned-bitter, all, into a bag threw it into the Pacific Ocean. And here i am again, hopeful.

So allow me, to do this, one more time. To illustrate my loneliness, my misery and how much i miss her. Because all of those feelings will sunk into this picture, and vaporized into thin air. (hopefully)

This vid is taken in Big bear few months back:

One day, you and I will cruize in the most beautiful powder, carve the snow hand in hand. But until i found you, i have the wind beneath my hair.

visual DNA

Mon, 14 May 2007 05:57:37 GMT

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

untitled

Sat, 21 Apr 2007 20:47:24 GMT

can't see it, can't touch it.

can't run away from it, can't hide from it.

can't dodge it, can't ram it.

it's everywhere, it's nowhere.

it's very near, yet felt very far.

it's there when you walk, it's there when you talk,

it's there when you watch tv, it's there when the tv is off.

it's there when you work, it's there when you take a break.

it's in every song you listen to, it's also in the silent.

it makes the beer even bitter, it makes the water sweet.

you see it when you close your eyes, you see it when you open them.

it's in the mild seven light, it's in the daviddoff light.

it's in your dream when you sleep, it's the first thing to be there when you're awake.

it's something you leave behind, but it's never left you.

it's the one thing you don't wanna think about, it's also the one thing you can't stop thinking about.

it's in every breath you take, it's also what takes your breath away.

it's chemical reaction ignited by some biological reasons, it's a complete chaos state of mind.

it's there when you start the car, it's there when you drive, it's there when you, park the car.

it takes away the mint taste in the mojito, it bring some sour taste to the chocolate.

it's in the air, nah.. it's not in the air,

but if it's not in the air, what makes the air thinner..?

it's in the dark, its not in the dark..

if it's not in the dark, what kept you awake late?

it's in the eyes,.. it can't be..

if it's not in the eye, what created the tears?

it's in the water, what? in the water?

if it's not in the water, what made you drunk?

if you can ignored it, why are you writing it...

if you don't care, why are you reading it?

for the broken hearts pt 2

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 05:12:05 GMT

(It should've went like this.....)

My simpathy goes out for those fools who forgot to hold something back in Love.

If you are going thru Hell everyday, maybe its simply because Heaven just shut the door on you.